Getting to the Heart of the Issue

In most things in life, but especially with arguments, beating around the bush as about as useful as treading water with cinder-blocks attached to your feet - your not going anywhere fast. Most people, especially people striving to live authentic, heart centered lives would rather get right to the heart of the matter without too much fuss.

Sometimes the heart of the issue is clear - she is angry at me because she feels disrespected. I am upset because I feel misunderstood. He is angry because he thinks this is a waste of time.

In those cases, it is easier to find the culprit and bring it to light so it can be dealt with.

In other cases, however, the heart of the issue is shrouded or unclear. It can be buried under layers of meaningless spats or forgotten about under the proverbial rug. Sometimes it can be hidden by the person in question, or perhaps you both are sitting there scratching your head and wondering what the hell just happened.

Although I don't have all the answers (spoiler alert: no one does), I have a few tips that might be able to help you get to the heart of the issue when you find yourself lost:

1. Open, honest communication:

I know, I know - duh! You are thinking that this is the most obvious avenue and you're right! But so many of us avoid talking about things with each other. The reasons are vast: fear or judgement or rejection, fear of confrontation, too much trouble to drudge up the past, etc. Unfortunately, it is incredibly rare for an unresolved issue to lay dormant for long. Sooner or later that pesky little issues will rear its ugly head again. So it is best to get in the habit of being honest from the get go. When someone hurts you or there is a difference of opinion that is getting heated, speak your truth right off. It can be scary and the other person may not want to hear it, but once it is said the cards are on the table and they can be dealt with. Of course, you want to be respectful of the other person involved and speak from a place of love (even when they are annoying the crap out of you). It is important to allow them to speak their truth as you speak yours.

2. Alone time:

This may be the second best way to get clear on the heart of any matter. If you and a loved one have just had it out, emotions are running high and things have been said which hurt - get away from it. It is best to go outside if you can as fresh air always helps clear the head. Go somewhere quiet and calm. Light a candle. Breathe a bit. Allow the freshness of the fight to wear off. As tempting as it can be to run to your mom or your best friend, give yourself time to sort it out first. Often others opinions can cloud our judgement or fire us up in the wrong way. Let yourself process what has happened, what has been said. I am always better if I write things out, so write it out if you need to. Write how you feel and what you believe the issue to be. Let your mind go uncensored. Before you go back to the person you were fighting with, get clear in your mind (or on paper) what you want to say and open the discussion from a respectful place. If you speak clearly and respectfully about your feelings and desires, others tend to be responsive.

3. Bring everything back to Self:

It is so easy (and very tempting) to point fingers when an argument starts up. It is easy to focus on what the other person is saying or doing and merely react to it. However, when we are reactive we give away our personal power. We allow someone else to dictate how we feel and how we act. This is a dangerous place to be because it can pull some pretty nasty shadow stuff out of us. How many times have you been in an argument and said something then suddenly thought "where on earth did that come from?!" Yeah, we have all been there and it is not a fun place to be. You have to bring everything back to Self. How should I react to this biased on my personal beliefs? How do I really feel? What is at the core of my anger/sadness/hurt? Why does _____ affect me in this way? I find it helpful to journal it out, but you certainly don't have to. Once you have a better idea of what is going on with you, you can come back to the issues which a much deeper understanding of the factors at play. This isn't to say that the other person gets a pass. Not at all. Stand up for yourself and put your foot down, but be honest about your own shortcomings as well. In my experience, if I open up and say "I know that ____ is my issue and I will work on that but when you do ____ I feel ____". it opens the lines of communication in a useful way.

4. Different perspectives:

Sometimes we are still lost. We don't know why we keep having a certain fight with a friend. You may be getting to the "why can't we just move past this?" phase. Now is the time to consult someone you trust. Unfortunately this can get tricky. People often give advice biased on their own prejudice and biased on their own past experiences. Also, their own opinions about the person whom you are conflicting with will surely play a part in their advice to you. So make sure to take what they say with a grain of salt and filter it through your own consciousness before running full speed ahead. For example, if you are having marital problems it is probably not a good idea to ask your recently divorced aunt for advice. It's not to say she can't offer you a unique perspective, but her divorce will likely play a major role in the advice she gives you. Another factor to consider in this is your retelling of events. It is important to be fair. If you tell your side of the argument and you paint the picture that you were totally innocent in the matter (which you may be, but that's rare) then you are likely to get biased advice. Be honest about what you said and did that may have crossed a line as well. Sometimes we need to get advice about out own crap too.

5. Spiritual practices:

Of course, our spiritual practices can provide us a great amount of clarity and comfort during times of conflict. For me, going out into nature with my journal and tarot card in hand can cure almost anything that ails me, but you may find prayer, meditation, ritual, talking with your guru or going to church to be just what the doctor ordered. Often we find the answers we seek when we start looking. Spiritual practice can also get us in the right head-space to go back and deal with the conflict in a much more positive and productive way.

The last thought I'd like to leave you with is this: fights happen- in the best relationships, in the strongest marriages, among the tightest friend groups and in the closest families. If you are in anyone's life for any length of time, you are bound to disagree at some point. Don't fear the argument. 9 out of 10 times you both will emerge from the argument stronger and closer. Just make sure to keep perspective. This too shall pass.

xoxo